When I think I’m in control of my life
For over a year now I have been going through a process of a spiritual awakening. From being a human-centered atheist to believing there is some Higher Power in the universe. I accepted that I am powerless over many things in my life and that I need to turn my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power.
If that sounds familiar, hi to you, a person going through a 12 steps program ;)
Anyways, the past year I have been struggling really hard to get back on my feet, both mentally and emotionally. Went to therapy. A couple of therapies to be exact. I worked through a lot of things that I might share some other time and at some point I believed I was ok. I was healthy. I was emotionally stable. I could fully take care of myself. High 5 my Higher Self, we did great! I enjoyed it for a while but new things kept surfacing. Over. And over. And over. To a point where I got just really tired of all the work, I had to go through.
I was exhausted and the idea of having to work through new layers of my problems, deeper behavior schemes and so on, made me sick. I didn’t want to do it. I demanded a break from all this internal work. And so I took a break, started dating, everything was nice. Minor arguments here and there, but nothing major, until… he left to another country.
Being in the state of enjoying my life and avoiding hard things I just assumed we were going to continue our relationship the way it was when we were living together. It was just so obvious because he called every day, we were in touch all the time and were already planning things to do when I visit.
I started to work harder. 10–12 hours a day. By that time I realized something was wrong. That I’m physically tired. That I don’t enjoy life at all. That I shouldn’t push myself that hard, That I stopped taking care of myself, but it’s always easy to make an excuse for more work — growth, being responsible, money, career opportunities in the future, etc.
I was so sure that I was in charge of my life again. That it’s going to be all good from now on. That I worked so hard. That I really deserve that reward of a peaceful life with someone I love next to me. Reality is different though, he decided to move and I stayed. No matter how much time we spend on the phone, the decision was made and it wasn’t a decision to build a peaceful life together. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
It’s so funny to see, that once I was certain that I worked through everything I got back exactly where I was and had to go through something I had gone through a couple of times before. Over. And over. And it’s a drag. And I don’t want to do it, but I was taught again that if I choose not to, it will come back eventually anyway and it’s going to be even worse. Stronger and harder to grasp, because hidden underneath additional layers of self-sabotage.
I thought I could be in control again. That I could choose what is best for me now. You know nothing Ala... I was certain I had known, but it didn’t change anything. I had just fallen into an identified scheme I was sure I freed from. Let’s hope I won’t forget next time. Pretending there are no problems doesn’t make them disappear, unfortunately. Allowing ego to make life decisions isn’t useful either... Had to learn the hard way all over again.