overcoming depression

First, I’m not a medical professional, it’s just my personal experience.

Second, I choose to not medicate myself. If you fiercely don’t agree, I don’t think there’s any reason for you to read this any further.

I’ve been struggling with low moods and phases of feeling hopeless and helpless for most of my life.

Doesn’t matter if I had a reason or not. There’s always a reason when you look for it.

Feeling bad has become my comfort zone.

It’s an awful thing to realise, but it’s my addiction of sorts, my safe space. I do love myself (in some sick way I guess), so whenever I feel bad, I give myself everything I want — which is mostly free time and treats in my case.

I spoil myself.

But spoiling myself only makes me feel worse somehow. Day by day, spiraling lower and lower. With even less focus, less motivation, less faith that things will change.

How can it possibly be bad? I’m giving myself time and space to go through the hard things, I’m giving myself a princess treatment, that should be awesome, right?

Somehow it’s not.

I have a good life in general. I’m healthy. My parents are divorced, but both love me a lot. I have an amazing partner, that is the most beautiful person, checks all my boxes and has been extremely loving and caring. I have great friends. I live in a beautiful apartment, with a great view, in a city where I wanted to live. I don’t have a job now, but I have money and some small passive monthly income. I have been working on my own projects.

Sounds like a dream come true. Yet, I’m at all-time low.

I stopped enjoying things. I stopped believing that things might work out for me. I applied to hundreds of jobs, just to be rejected from all of them. Even jobs that were way below my experience and previous salaries.

Why did I even apply to them? For validation. For something to do. For some reason to get up in the morning.

And so here I am, feeling miserable, hopeless, helpless, crying everyday for no real reason, finding no joy in life whatsoever. How do I get past this? What do I do?

I currently live with a dog and a cat and I keep noticing this basic mechanism of punishing for “bad” things, that the owners don’t want and rewarding for the “good” things, that the owners like and want to encourage. What I’ve been doing to myself all my life was the opposite.

Whenever I was feeling down, I was getting all the free time in the world, all the treats, all the attention. And when I was feeling good… well, I was feeling good already, so why do anything extra?

I kept rewarding myself for feeling bad. It created this vicious circle. And that’s why it doesn’t work. Because I didn’t REALLY need the time, I didn’t REALLY need to be spoiled, I just was choosing it, because it was easier. Because I knew that I would take care of myself. Because I knew that others would take care of me.

And obviously, I’m not saying it’s the case for everyone. For you it might be that no one is taking care of you, and you don’t take care of yourself and just focus on others. Only you know (and maybe your therapist). It’s complex stuff.

So now what? Now comes the discpline part. I will start treating myself as a child. As a pet. Do something nice for myself whenever I do something that I want to encourage — like writing and publishing this article. Like doing yoga daily. Also stop rewarding myself for feeling bad. Of course, I need to acknowledge it and not ignore it, but change my approach to it.

That’s my take for today. Ask me in 2 weeks.