On and off psychedelics. Journey and takeaways.

Plant medicine’s role in my self development

In my life I was always searching for something more.

Till I was 27, I lived in a very ‘by the book’ way. Had great grades, graduated from a prestigious college, had a steady boyfriend, got an amazing job at Microsoft that payed me well, but it all seemed… shallow.

I had a feeling that there had to be more to life than that. Than just blindly following the pattern, getting married, having a baby and praying to not get fired from a 9–5.

The search for this “something more” has cast a shadow on my whole life. I thought that maybe I just needed to find my life’s goal, so I tried A LOT of things— acting, singing, coding, getting into politics, working in a TV station, pro swimming, improv and writing comedy sketch shows, travels, different relations, getting into finance, LARPing, anything that came to my mind as a potential “it”. Nothing stuck. With every attempt I was getting more desperate and at some point it led me to ayahuasca.

At the beginning, it was just another thing for me to try. I thought that maybe this one will actually work. It was worth a try. I booked the trip.

My experience with psychedelics at this point was minimal, I smoked a joint once or twice, and that was it. I didn’t want to worry anyone, so basically only 1 of my friends knew, and she didn’t really approve.

And so I went. It was a very professional setting, as I found out later. With a shaman, some grounding activities and a thorough process. Aaaaaaaand… it blew my mind.

I knew nothing about spirituality back then and I saw another world. I felt things I’ve never felt before, all the questions seemed to be answered, even though they weren’t concrete. For the first time, I understood and felt that I was more than my mind. After years of struggling with a sinus ache — I was cured. Just like that. Haven’t had any problems for over 5 years.

This experience blew my mind, but I was also careful. It was a 2 night event, and the second night I didn’t even drink Ayahuasca. I felt like I got everything I wanted and needed and more during the 1st night.

So I went back home, felt like a new, different person and this euphoric state lasted about 2 weeks, then things slowly got back to ‘normal’.

I shared my experience with my mom and after a few months, she told me she wanted to go as well. So my 2nd time, I went with her. By this time I already has some issues I wanted to resolve and so I went, with a list of asks. Needless to say, I was disappointed. Yes, it was blissful, yes, it was educational, but I my problems weren’t solved for me this time.

Here the new chapter of my life started. Before, I was looking for the answers by trying out new things and seeing if anything stuck and now I was looking for the answers in the things beyond the earthly plane.

I was looking for answers in visions, hypnosis, weed, mushrooms, meditations, peyote, spiritual texts, kundalini yoga, etc.

As I was getting some answers, I kept going, until… I found myself in a difficult position. Again, I didn’t know what to do with my life, was going through a tough break up and the only reasonable thing I could think of was to book an ayahuasca retreat. I found one in Costa Rica that looked good, so I decided to go.

I was very eager to connect with Aya’s spirit again and finally get out of the gloom I found myself in. The retreat was hosted in a very contemporary way, with the main prerogative — you are your own shaman. As much as I agree with that, somehow then it felt off.

Anyways, I took my medicine and… had the worst trip ever. I was wandering around the same labyrinth, I felt like I knew all the places already, nothing was new, nothing was interesting, it all just seemed a little scary and depressing.

I’m not going to go to the details of the whole experience, as it lasted 10+ hours on a minimal dose of the medicine, but how this experience ended has forever changed my approach to psychoactive substances.

I was exhausted, I was praying to Aya, to the universe, to myself for the end of this trip, I promised to all the parties that I would never take ayahuasca again, but nothing worked. Everytime I closed my eyes, I was being in this creepy circus environment and I couldn’t get out.

And then I understood. When my eyes were open and I was present in the world, everything felt fine. No visions, no difficult emotions, no stress. Only when I tried to close my eyes and get more answers, I was pushing myself to suffer.

The answers, I was and am looking for, are here. They are in the world around me and only when being sober I can be fully present to notice them.

I promised to never take ayahuasca again in this lifetime and I am sure that I won’t. I extrapolated this promise a little further and since that experience I am avoiding all psychoactive substances, including alcohol. I was 100% sober for over a year, now every now and then I allow myself to disconnect from this reality, but I am doing it very consciously.

Psychedelics are extremely powerful tools and can really help out people, but if you read this piece till this point and you consider taking any plant medicine, then the only thing I want you to consider beforehand is — why? And if you can sincerely answer this question — enjoy! 🤟🏼

I have lately created a Spiritual Support Group and one of our oncoming Sharing Circles is going to be about Psychedelics and their effect on a spiritual journey. You’re very welcome to join to share your story or to listen to stories of other members of the community.

Event link: https://lu.ma/cs5w2cfh
Community on Discord: https://lnkd.in/gvykTKei