(Not) Craving Intense Emotions.
Yesterday I was crying hard over my broken heart at my best friend’s house. Complaining that love is hard and it hurts so much. Weeping that it’s so unfair, that love should be beautiful, it should bring joy not suffering.
Because really... shouldn’t it? Why do we crave it so much when it brings us this kind of ‘weltschmerz’? Why do we crave excitement, admiration any kind of emotion really?
For the past 2 years, I have been meditating and practicing yoga more less regularly and found virtue in not letting my thoughts and emotions take over who I am. Being more stoic. Accepting what is being revealed to me and not making any impulsive decisions. I chose this way, because my life of always looking for something more, always searching, always being on the road was exhausting. I wasn’t finding anything, but as I was searching I had this conviction that I was an interesting person because I was doing all these cool things.
My life and one of my last relationships were kind of like this before I started working on my emotions (pinkish/red):
I was constantly improving, constantly changing. I craved all kinds of incentives. My life had to be flourishing, I was traveling for work, traveling for leisure, meeting hundreds of people, going to festivals, drinking a lot, experimenting with drugs, flirting with most of the man around me, being the center of attention. My life was full — full of emotions, events, people, but yet it felt empty. I felt deeply unhappy and as I mentioned, it was exhausting. My therapist later let me understand that it was the peak of my narcissist phase.
So I started working on myself to be more satisfied with where I was. To enjoy here and now. Stop looking for happiness externally.
I noticed that as I was working on my emotions I became… boring? I have been focusing on myself (which usually is sports or sitting by myself at home looking at walls/painting/writing), I have stopped traveling so much, I’m not meeting dozens of new people, I took a job that allows me to stay home.
But at the same time, there was also no drama in my life. I haven’t had an intense argument, I haven’t been really irritated, I didn’t have “the downs” as much. It feels like I’m “zen” in a way.
My life became more like this purple line:
I was worried at first. I felt my identity was taken away from me. I was this super interesting person before and now I barely go out, I keep staying at home, I haven’t engaged in any newsworthy story in a while.
Even though 5 years ago I would have had despited this kind of lifestyle, I am connecting with myself and find happiness. I found it in stillness. In being me. In accepting myself. In not looking for anything more, because what I am and what I have is enough. Some people say it’s growing up and if it is — being a grown-up is great!
… but what about love?
So here I am preaching about being chill, understanding emotions and letting them go and yet I started this story sharing my breakdown.
The idea of finding a romantic partner that I could share my life with is still present and the most difficult for me to detach from. I have made a lot of progress in the past years, but still, it’s hard.
I try to do as I preach. I notice what I feel, I let myself live through that, not run away from it (even if it’s very tempting) and then move on. That’s what I am doing now: letting myself feel the sorrow. It sucks. It sucks so bad. It’s the first time I understand the idea of XTC song “I’m The Man Who Murdered Love”.
Somehow before I was feeling that “downs” are inevitable to reach “the ups”, but I don’t expect ups anymore in my life, do I? I am ok with being a “boring” person, but am I ok with having a “boring” relationship? I don’t think I am, that’s probably why I am in this place right now, but I guess that’s the road I am going to head towards. Wish me luck.
Am I becoming a robot? How is this better?
I’m not sure ;) to be honest — even though I don’t feel as much of the “surface” emotions, I feel a much deeper connection to people around me and to nature. I feel gratitude I haven’t really experienced before. I can’t say for the general audience, but for me, these “new emotions” I have been discovering lately are more meaningful and leave me with a peace fo mind which I never really had before. I am being true to myself first and even if it’s not exciting, I’m choosing this path. At least now.