I fell for a mind trap recently and with the help of a friend figured out that I’ve been “womanized”. To understand what I mean by that, I’ll share a little background.
Growing up I was a tomboy and was pretty ok with that. I was in a swimming team, doing lots of sports and it was fine.
In high school and university, I was still “one of the guys”- most of my friends were boys and even though I had a loving boyfriend, I rarely wore any makeup or revealing clothing/dresses/skirts, etc.
Later on, I worked in IT, so still a predominately male environment in which I felt comfortable but trying to be more of a mature and self-aware person, I realized that there are basically no women in my life.
I had boyfriends, guy friends, guy acquaintances and maybe 1 or 2 female colleagues, so coming to an age of stability in life (27–28) I decided it’s time to change that.
My relationships were great, but none of them survived the test of time, so I assumed there was something wrong with my feminine side. Maybe I’m too manly? Maybe I can’t commit because I’m not feminine enough?
When I look around, this what I see in general (there are exceptions though!):
- Girls that are strong, fun and interesting are often single
- Girls that are quiet, show little initiative and are willing to stay behind their man have great husbands that build houses for them
So why do I want to be the first one again?
Obviously that is generalizing, but that’s what was stuck in my head.
Also, when you read any spiritual literature it’s basically what it tells you. Connect to your Yoni, Devine Feminine and be a full woman, dedicated to making The Man satisfied. Be sensual. Be quiet. Be beautiful in and out. Your power is your birth giving ability etc. There is no mention of being independent or having other ambitions than family, helping others and health really.
When I realized this I thought ‘aha! I know what to do!’, I will just back out of my regular life, chill, exercise more, take better care of my skin and diet, wear more pink and more dresses, find some appropriate job for a woman (from CMO, I became a shop assistant in a little store) and earn only a little money to be in ‘feminine energy’.
I did it for about 6 months… and you know what? It sucks.
I’ve lost my confidence, I felt unworthy, I got less interest from men than ever before (!!!) and it seemed like my life was going nowhere.
If that’s what feminine energy is supposed to be like — I don’t like it at all.
Ok, doing more yoga and using nice face creams are good things, so is taking care of the way I look, but overall I felt miserable. It wasn’t me. Does that mean I’m not a woman? If I’m not having kids, husband, I’m not a nurse, is that because I’m not feminine enough?
The moment I realized that it just seems sooooooo ridiculous, but in my mind, it was a real deal.
I decide to believe that NO. There must be different kinds of being feminine not only this one particular type. I decide to be myself and not getting into whether it’s feminine masculine or something else. It seems like a cliche, just be yourself, but the older I get the more I realize that cliches are often true 🙈
So worrying whether I am feminine or maybe if what I’m doing is masculine is no longer my thing and every time I catch myself thinking about it I stop. Hopefully, one day it won’t even cross my mind. Until then I wish myself and you, my dead reader as well, to stop doubting and thinking that some kind of behavior is better than others.
Will I have a loving husband one day who will build me a house? I don’t know, maybe I won’t, but I have no guarantee that behaving some other way would get me there either. I don’t even know if I would be actually happy in that place, so as for today I decide to be ok with who I am, no matter where it will take me.
(Until I lose myself in some other stupid idea… ;))